High Verbosity

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January 28, 2006

Funerals suck

My brothers are both hopelessly disorganized so everything was a mess. Some people like me thought the funeral was on Saturday. Some were told 9:30 others were told 11am… so it was a mess. Also no one had been chosen to do a eulogy and I had no idea where we were to gather after the funeral. It was confusing and disorienting

I was also struck by the excessiveness in the funeral industry. My mother has pre-purchased funeral plots and made arrangements for her funeral back in the 1970s apparently. So she had picked out a coffin, paid of a plot at a swanky cemetery and made arrangements up to and including what music will be played and what she would wear. So it was quite easy with the exception if two things that were not covered in her package, which were the liner which is some hooey add-on the mortuary people talk you into that protects the coffin in the hole and secondly “opening the coffin”. My brother and I were perplexed. We had our choice of copper, stainless steel, cement or marble lining. If that is not excessive packaging I don’t know what else is. We looked at each other incredulously. I always thought you dig a hole – put the coffin and throw some dirt over it and badda bing badda boom you are done. But noooooo you need a LINER as if the body must be preserved until 3000 years from now. We said we didn’t feel a liner was necessary and we would like to skip it to which we were told we could not because now the cemetery was owned by a chain who required liners to “protect in integrity of those interned in our facility”. Having no choice we had to pay 2000.00 for this “liner” Then came the opening of the coffin, which is really the digging machine that digs the hole and then places the coffin in the hole – another 1500.00. So the funeral that was supposedly paid for cost us close to 4000.00 when all was said and done bringing the funeral to a grand total of 14,000.00.

We had the funeral at the church which is strange because as far as I can recall none of us has stepped food inside the church in tens of years so I had no idea what to do and just tired to block out all the talk of baby Jesus and the afterlife and heaven and angels and all the other malarkey I don’t believe.

The burial was straighforward - I was a pallbearer and we carried the casket to an astroturf podium thinggy and some words were said. We were handed a cross and that was that. My brother played guitar and my cousins sang Blackbird by the Beatles - this was the song she had requested back about 7 years ago before she went nutty and was still herself- and I lost my shit and cried hysterically. My dad was super upset and as painful as it was to look at him I felt I had to take a photo because it was a moment I wanted to remember - because I knew beyond a shadow of any doubt that he knew what was happening and that he truly loved her. He should have let her know when he had the chance.

Curiously the food at the reception had mostly meat, meat and more meat despite the fact that most of us are vegetarian. For those of you familiar with California, all of these activities were in Loma Linda, which is the Seventh Day Adventist (vegetarian) capitol of the world, and everyone who isn’t a medical student is somehow connected to the church. My family is both connected to the church and to the University and the Hospital so go figure this oversight...very odd.

I ferreted endless questions by family inquiring where my husband was. This was the one detail I was dreading because I knew this was going to happen. Understandable as the last time I saw many of them was at my faux wedding. Even my father in his barely audible and understandable way asked me if M was coming. To the older people I just smiled and murmured, “things just didn’t work out –we discovered we are very different people”. Which is the truth because I am loyal, caring, mostly happy, understanding and flexible while my ex is irresponsible, dishonest, lacks empathy and is a needlessly grumpy and mean person - which is why I dumped him in the first place and should have done it sooner. But I digress…I am just kinda angry at the moment and not myself.

I think I could have dealt with this had it not been for my dad. He clearly gave up yesterday. He was devastated and now I have no doubt that he understands quite clearly what is going on. He cannot speak, eat solid food and cannot move his arms very much and is completely wheelchair bound. He cried so much I worried he would choke and I had to keep wiping his face like a child. We had to keep him clean so he could receive guests. But they mostly didn’t recognize him and I had many people tell me he doesn’t look long for the world either which I know to be true… It seems a cruel twist of fate that he had to outlive my mother – he was crazy for her and she didn’t like him so much – it is terrible that an old sick man should be tortured in that way. I’d like to ask the Baby Jesus fans to tell me exactly what kind of sadist their “personal” lord and savior is.

Go Green
I want a green funeral. There is no way I want to be embalmed, stuck in a tacky overpriced coffin, shoved in hole with a copper liner and trod upon daily by gardeners “protecting the integrity of the facilitates” When I go – I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered on some land purchased in lieu of flowers near endangered land so it cannot be developed on.

I want a small gathering at the site to throw the ashes down. I refuse to be proped up in some temple of superstitious nonsense and no mention of Baby Jesus, Santa Claus, or any other mythic characters we humans make up to feel better about ourselves and explain why we are here.

Perhaps whoever shows up can say things about all the places I went, the people I have helped, what a fun person I was, how much trouble they got into with me, what a good friend, what a great mom I was, and hopefully someone will say what a happy, loving and peaceful life I gave him.

House
We lost my parents house. We cleaned out what we could before the bank takes the house. My brothers and I did what we could to save what little left but we lost. Everything is now lost that parents spent a lifetime building up for us. My inheritance is a velvet jacket and a box of photographs.
My dads garden was the worst -- he had such a beautiful oasis in the yard and now it is dying-- my only hope is that whoever buys the house is a gardner too and will appreciate the rare and exotic ferns carefully cultivated mosses and tempermental flowers that they will find.

I know now that I will never be the same. I am not the same person I was a week ago. I am not going to go back to San Francisco and do things the same way. In fact I am starting to think the things I have been holding off doing I should just do right now. Frankly I am starting to not give a shit about anyone or anything . I don't care about my flat or my possesssions or what people think of me, I could care less that a couple of people abandoned me when I needed them and I have a stack of bills that I am now even less in a position to pay off. I don't care - I am not biding my time anymore - I am not waiting around for anything anymore I am going to do whatever the hell I want to.

I have learned that when all is said and done you leave this world with NOTHING and no one gives a damn about your momentos or your photographs or the things you placed such value in. They all go into the trash bin or to goodwill.

Posted by aynne at January 28, 2006 09:28 AM

Comments

Posted by: P at January 28, 2006 09:50 PM

Posted by: Esther H. at January 29, 2006 11:42 PM

Posted by: ann at February 3, 2006 03:51 PM

Posted by: Victor at February 26, 2006 07:31 AM

Posted by: aynne at March 11, 2006 06:37 PM

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